By: Maddie Gustafson
Introduction
Between the ages of nineteen and twenty-two, adoptees enter a crucial phase of self-discovery, often while in college, where they have the freedom to explore and define their identity without the influence of their parents. Being away from home and surrounded by new friends and communities, adoptees can shape how they present themselves, free from the preconceived ideas or assumptions others may have had about their adoption. In these environments, peers are generally more accepting, and adoptees are often able to form deeper, more authentic connections. This stage is characterized by the blending of old and new as adoptees integrate the knowledge and experiences they’ve gathered about themselves with the new perspectives and concepts they encounter, creating a more complex and self-led understanding of who they are. It’s a time when adoptees take charge of their narrative, building an identity that reflects both their past and the new directions they choose to explore.
Questions Adoptees May Have
Adoptees often wrestle with complex questions as they navigate their identity, especially during periods of transition like college or young adulthood. This transition often brings new relationships and perspectives, which can add even more layers of complexity to this process. As they encounter different viewpoints and experiences, adoptees may begin to ask themselves, “How do I want to explore my racial and adoptive identities?” This question becomes even more significant as they try to reconcile their biological roots with the family and culture they’ve been raised in. New relationships and perspectives can also trigger questions like, “Is it normal to feel conflicted about my adoption?” as adoptees navigate the complexities of belonging to two families and two worlds. Others ask, “How do I deal with adoption-related trauma?” as they process new emotions that may arise during their self-exploration. Finding ways to process and cope is key, as this can contribute to a positive sense of self. Many also wonder, “How much of my birth culture can I claim?” as they feel uncertain about how to authentically incorporate their birth culture into their lives. This question can also arise if an adoptee feels in between identities, as they struggle to find their place between cultures. Lastly, “How do I tell others about my adoption?” is a question many adoptees face when deciding when and how to share their story. These questions are part of the adoptee’s ongoing journey of self-discovery, and while there are no easy answers, seeking support and exploring their identity can help them navigate this complex process.
Events
New Environment
For many, college is a transformative time for self-exploration, and for adoptees it offers a unique opportunity to navigate identity away from the familiar influences of home and family. College is a place where adoptees can step outside the shadow of their family’s expectations, creating the space necessary to explore and redefine who they are, independent of the context in which they grew up. Additionally, diversity on campus is especially valuable for transcultural adoptees, offering opportunities to connect with peers from similar backgrounds and fostering a sense of belonging. This exposure to different perspectives can help adoptees understand their identity in a broader context, empowering them to embrace aspects of themselves they might have felt disconnected from at home.
For transracial adoptees in particular, the change in scenery can feel like a liberation. At home, the narrative of adoption may have been constantly reinforced by well-meaning family members, friends, and even peers who only saw them through the lens of their adoptive family. In college, however, the story is theirs to tell—or not—as they choose. Moving away from home gives them a break from being defined by others’ perceptions of adoption, and they gain the autonomy to decide when, how, and to whom they reveal their adoption status. This sense of control is especially important for transracial adoptees, as their racial and cultural background may not align with that of their adoptive family. In new spaces, their adoption identity is not immediately visible, giving them the freedom to explore their racial and cultural heritage without the constant assumptions and stereotypes that may have followed them in their hometown.
In addition, college also brings a shift in how transracial adoptees navigate and view their racial identity. As mentioned in Stage Two, they may have experienced White privilege due to their honorary White status. Having this label often means the adoptee is treated as “White” by their peers, despite an obvious racial difference. However, this may not apply in a more diverse college setting. There, their race and cultural background become more visible, and they may encounter others who have different experiences with race and identity. This exposure challenges their understanding of what it means to belong to a racial or cultural group, leading to deeper insights into the complexities of their identity. This exposure can lead to profound realizations, as they come to terms with the complexities of their own identity. College offers a space for them to engage with those complexities, ultimately empowering them to shape their identity in a more nuanced and authentic way, outside of the confines of their childhood home.
Reculturation
University also offers adoptees an opportunity to partake in reculturation, the process of exploring and reclaiming birth culture on the adoptee’s own terms. This journey can take many forms, as some may join cultural clubs or pursue cultural studies, while others engage in more personal exploration. Some adoptees dive into these opportunities with enthusiasm, seeking to connect with others and deepen their understanding of their birth culture, while others may feel less inclined or struggle to find a sense of belonging in these activities. As noted in Stage Three, transracial and transcultural adoptees often feel in between their cultures and identities. For them, participating in cultural clubs like the Asian Student Association can trigger these feelings of being “in-between,” leading to a sense of isolation. They may feel torn between their desire to engage with their cultural heritage and the reality that they did not grow up fully immersed in it. Additionally, adoption is often overlooked in campus extracurricular activities, which can leave adoptees feeling marginalized. However, the lack of adoption representation can also inspire a sense of pride and motivation to create spaces where adoption is acknowledged and celebrated, addressing the gap and raising awareness of the unique experiences of adoptees.
The opportunity to explore their birth culture independently can spark a deep desire in some international adoptees to reconnect with their roots. Traveling back to their birth country often feels more meaningful than any previous connections they may have had, whether from early childhood visits or exposure to their culture through their adoptive parents. Additionally, the desire aligns with the adoptee’s evolving understanding of themselves and their identity. By returning to their birthplace, adoptees seek to engage with their heritage in a personal, tangible way, whether to better understand their cultural background, retrace their origins, or simply experience the environment they were once removed from. Visiting their orphanage or foster home can be an especially emotional experience, offering a poignant glimpse into the early chapters of their life. This journey becomes a powerful step in reclaiming and embracing their identity, allowing them to see their birth country not just as a distant past, but as an integral part of who they are today.
Parent Resources
As an adoptee navigates their identity through college and young adulthood, there are several ways parents can provide meaningful support and guidance. Though opportunities for involvement may decrease as they grow older, cultural and community engagement with other adoptees remains important. This could include joining adoptee-led groups, participating in cultural organizations, or connecting with online communities. Programs like the Beyond Adopteen Retreat, offered through The Park Adoption Community Center, are also valuable resources. These programs offer adoptees a space to connect with others of similar age and experience, providing ongoing support and a sense of belonging. By encouraging your adoptee to participate in these types of programs, you help foster a sense of solidarity, identity exploration, and community that can be incredibly beneficial during this stage of their life.
Additionally, adoptive parents play a key role if their adoptee decides to search for their birth parents. Whether or not you have connections to their birth family, your role in offering emotional support and guidance is essential as they navigate the complexities and potential outcomes of such a search. This is a highly emotional and challenging decision, and it’s important to provide your adoptee with the space to process, grieve, and explore their feelings freely, without judgment. Allowing them to work through these emotions on their own terms will help them feel empowered in their decision-making. It’s also important to remember that their desire to search for their birth parents is not a reflection of your parenting or a sign of dissatisfaction with their adoptive family. Rather, it’s a natural part of their curiosity and a step toward deeper self-understanding.
As your child enters college and forms new social circles, their relationship with you will likely shift. This is a natural part of growing up, as young adults seek independence and explore their evolving identity. You may notice them spending more time with friends, pursuing new interests, or exploring aspects of themselves that differ from what they’ve known at home. While this can be challenging for parents, it’s important to recognize that this independence is crucial for their personal growth. By respecting their need for space, you’re supporting their journey of self-discovery. Though it may be hard to see them pull away, remaining patient and supportive allows them to navigate life and their adoption story at their own pace, knowing you’ll always be there when they need you.
