By: Maddie Gustafson
Introduction
Middle school is a critical time for an adolescent’s development, both physically and mentally. During these years, peer influence becomes much more significant, and the desire for peer acceptance often outweighs parental guidance. This is also when many adoptees begin to experience the painful realities of bullying, racism, and microaggressions, all of which can have a profound impact on their sense of self and how they navigate the world. As schools start teaching sex education, which introduces lessons on reproduction, human anatomy, and relationships, adoptees may also begin to grapple with deeper questions about their own identity. These formative years bring a mix of challenges and growth, as adolescents begin to make sense of who they are, where they come from, and how they fit into the complex web of family, culture, and society.
Questions Adoptees May Have
As adoptees grow older and begin to gain a deeper understanding of their adoption story, their questions shift from more general inquiries to those that are deeply personal and tied to their individual history. In the adolescent years, especially as they start to engage with topics like sex education, questions about their biological origins become more pronounced. “Do I have any biological siblings?” or “What do you know about my birth parents?” are questions that reflect a curiosity about their genetic roots. Similarly, the question, “Do I have a birth father?” can emerge, signaling a new comprehension of the concept of conception and the realization that their birth story involved both a mother and father. For some, particularly in cases where infertility or challenges with conception were part of their parents’ journey, questions like “Why couldn’t you have children?” or “Did you only want me because you couldn’t have kids?” can arise as they seek to understand the motivations behind their adoption. Approaching these questions with honesty, at an age-appropriate level, is essential for your adoptee to understand their adoption story. At this stage, adoptees are often seeking to reconcile their biological background with their adoptive family dynamics, which can be a complicated and sometimes painful process. These questions are part of a broader emotional journey of self-discovery, as adoptees try to make sense of their place in both their adoptive and biological worlds.
Events
Bullying and Racism
Middle school is when bullying increases as children undergo several developmental changes in their life. For transracial adoptees in particular, they oftentimes fall victim to bullying in the form of racism, discrimination, and microaggressions rooted in stereotypes and misconceptions. What may start as innocent curiosity can evolve into harmful remarks that perpetuate damaging ideas about race, ethnicity, or family dynamics. For adoptees, these comments can stir up feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, and isolation, as they are forced to confront the disconnect between their lived experiences and how others perceive them. Over time, such experiences can lead adoptees to question their own identity and, in some cases, push them towards the dominant White/American culture in an effort to fit in and feel accepted. As they navigate these challenges, adoptees often come to understand how their differences shape not only their sense of self but also how others treat them, leaving them to contend with a complex, sometimes painful, understanding of belonging and identity.
Feeling In Between
Transracial and transcultural adoptees often find themselves in a unique and complex position, attempting to navigate the delicate balance of two distinct cultures while simultaneously feeling like they don’t fully belong to either one. This sense of being “in between” can evoke feelings similar to impostor syndrome, where adoptees are constantly questioning where they fit and whether they belong. Despite sharing a common heritage, adoptees may feel disconnected from immigrants from their birth culture, as they have not shared the same cultural experiences or been fully immersed in the traditions, language, and values that shape those communities. On the other hand, while they have been raised in American society and are culturally familiar with those norms, they can still struggle to fully integrate or be accepted within mainstream American culture. This constant back-and-forth between cultures can leave adoptees feeling deeply torn, struggling with identity and belonging in ways that can be hard for others to understand. Ultimately, transcultural adoptees are forced to continuously redefine their sense of self, trying to bridge the gap between their biological heritage and the culture they were raised in, often without fully feeling at home in either world.
Sex Education
Sex education, which often covers topics like reproduction, human anatomy, and relationships, can be a particularly emotional experience for adoptees. As they learn about how a “typical” family is formed, it can trigger a range of feelings and questions about their own origins and identity. Many adoptees are surprised to discover that, despite being adopted, they still have biological roots, something that may not have been emphasized or fully understood before. This realization can bring a sense of relief or even a sense of normalcy, as they come to understand that, biologically, their origins are no different from those of their peers. However, sex education can also spark a flood of questions for adoptees about their birth parents, their biological family, and the circumstances of their adoption. These questions may remain unanswered, leaving the adoptee with a sense of uncertainty or longing for answers. This can also cause them to feel left out during peer conversations about genetics, family structure, and ancestry. Ultimately, these moments can be both enlightening and isolating, as adoptees navigate the intersection of biological reality and the emotional complexities of being adopted.
Parent Resources
With the increased occurrences of bullying, it is crucial for adoptive parents to talk about racism more openly with their adoptee, especially as they navigate a world that may treat them differently because of their race or ethnicity. Educating yourself about racism, microaggressions, and the unique challenges faced by transracial or transcultural adoptees is an essential step in being able to support and guide them through these experiences. Equally important is validating their experiences of discrimination without minimizing or dismissing them. Too often, well-meaning comments like, “It’s not that bad” or “Just ignore it” can invalidate an adoptee’s lived reality. Instead, affirm that their experiences with racism, prejudice, or exclusion are real and worthy of attention. This validation is essential to help your child feel seen and understood, rather than silenced or isolated.
For adoptive parents, discussing sex education is an important opportunity to build trust and open communication. Children adopted at different ages may have unique experiences or feelings that shape their understanding of relationships and intimacy. Adoptive parents can start by checking in with their child’s school curriculum or educational resources to align their home discussions with what the child is learning. This ensures consistency and provides an opportunity to address any misconceptions or questions the child might have. Creating an environment where the child feels safe to explore their own identity, ask questions, and express any concerns is key. It’s also important to acknowledge the child’s potential feelings about their adoption in these conversations, as it may intersect with their understanding of relationships, love, and intimacy. By being patient, non-judgmental, and prepared to provide ongoing support, adoptive parents can guide their child through these pivotal moments in their development with care and understanding.
Additionally, it’s important to have open conversations with your adoptee about how their adoption might impact their relationships with others. They may face unique challenges in how they connect with peers, teachers, or even extended family, particularly when it comes to issues of race, identity, or cultural differences. Help them understand that they may be treated differently or encounter biases that others may not experience. By discussing these dynamics, you provide them with tools to navigate relationships in a way that affirms their sense of self and strengthens their emotional resilience.
Lastly, it’s crucial to create an environment where your adoptee feels safe to ask questions and share their emotions without fear of judgment. Whether they’re curious, confused, or frustrated about racism, cultural identity, or their place in the world, respond with patience, empathy, and an open heart. Ongoing, judgment-free conversations provide your child with the space to explore their feelings and develop a deeper understanding of their identity. This dialogue helps them build resilience and confidence as they navigate the complexities of both their adoption story and their racial or cultural background. By making these conversations a regular part of your relationship, you reinforce that they are loved, supported, and empowered to embrace who they are.
