By: Maddie Gustafson
Introduction
Adolescence is a time of self-discovery, growth, and, often, a bit of turbulence. For adoptees, in particular, the ages between fifteen and eighteen are frequently marked with conflict about their sense of self as they realize and process the complexities of their identity. Here, adolescents experience a critical period of identity development, often heavily influenced by their peers as they begin to assert independence from their parents. For transracial adoptees, this stage can bring added complexity as they navigate the paradox of belonging to a family with different racial or ethnic backgrounds from their own. Emphasizing the feeling of being in between, the transracial adoption paradox often leaves adoptees with conflicting emotions, which can lead to identity conflict. As they face bullying, racism, and microaggressions, their sense of self is shaped by these experiences, forcing them to confront negative perceptions and biases. However, these challenges can also serve as a catalyst for growth. As adoptees gain confidence in their birth culture and identity, they may begin to push back against these harmful influences, recognizing the fault in others’ views. This awakening can spark a positive exploration of their identity, empowering them to embrace their unique journey and heritage with newfound strength and self-assurance.
Questions Adoptees May Have
As an adoptee grows older, increasing awareness and understanding of their adoption can cause many questions to arise that challenge their sense of identity. During the high school years, adoptees often experience a period of intense curiosity and reflection about their past as they seek to understand their personal history. Questions like, “Can I meet my birth parents?” and “How come my birth parents couldn’t keep me?” can become more pressing as they grow older and begin to grapple with the reasons behind their adoption. The desire to understand why their birth parents made the decision to place them for adoption can be a deeply emotional journey, sometimes leaving them with very few answers. This curiosity is marked by a deeper desire to uncover the details of their birth story, such as “When is my actual birthday?”, “What time was I born?”, “What hospital was I born at?” These questions aren’t just about collecting facts; they’re part of a broader search for identity and a need to connect the dots between the past and present. Alongside these inquiries, adoptees may find themselves navigating how to explain their adoption to others. As they try to piece together their history, they may also struggle with how to share their story in a way that feels true to their experience. Ultimately, this stage is about understanding the complexities of their past while trying to make sense of how it shapes who they are today.
Events
Continued Bullying
Like stage three, high school adoptees continue to face bullying, racism, and discrimination, which can deeply challenge their sense of identity. These experiences often trigger complex emotions tied to their adoption, intensifying feelings of isolation and confusion as they navigate their place in both their adoptive and broader social worlds. However, at this age, adoptees start to understand the weight of these comments and may start to push back and defend themselves in ways that feel authentic to them. In response to these incidents, adoptees may experience a range of emotions—anger, frustration, hurt, and isolation—as they grapple with the impact of these comments on their sense of self. However, these difficult moments can also become a catalyst for personal growth. Over time, as adoptees gain confidence in their racial identity, they begin to respond to these challenges with greater self-assurance, embracing their uniqueness and asserting their right to be seen and respected for who they truly are. To read more about how adoptees may react to bullying in middle and high school, read the previous blog post here: Stage Three: Identity Awareness
Transracial Adoption Paradox
The transracial adoption paradox, coined by Professor Richard Lee, describes the unique experience that many international, transcultural, and transracial adoptees raised in White families face. On one hand, they may feel “White” because they grow up surrounded by White culture, often adopting the behaviors, dress, and attitudes of their White peers to fit in. This can create a sense of belonging to the majority culture, but at the same time, adoptees can’t escape the reality that they are not truly White. Despite their upbringing, many transracial adoptees describe feeling “not White,” as they can’t ignore the racial differences that shape how they are perceived and treated. This feeling is often complicated by the realization that they don’t fully connect with their racial heritage either, feeling disconnected from their cultural roots. Some adoptees also feel that their families, perhaps unintentionally, can be “colorblind,” not acknowledging or fully understanding the racial differences that shape their identity. This lack of recognition adds another layer to their identity conflict, leaving adoptees torn between two worlds: one they feel connected to but don’t racially fit into, and one they are reminded they will never fully be a part of. The transracial adoption paradox often intensifies the confusion and conflict within their identity, as they struggle to reconcile these differing aspects of who they are.
Adoption Complexities
Adoption is widely celebrated as a positive and life-changing experience, but the more difficult aspects are often overlooked or not discussed openly. While many adoptees grow up hearing how fortunate they are, they may not fully grasp the complexities and trauma associated with their adoption until they’re older. Issues like abandonment, loss, and the mental and physical health challenges that can result from early childhood trauma often aren’t acknowledged in the celebratory narrative of adoption. As adoptees grow, they may begin to process their mixed emotions, feeling both grateful for their adoptive families but also hurt by the loss of their birth families and the unresolved pain of their past. This internal struggle can create deep identity conflict, as adoptees grapple with the complexity of their feelings and their sense of self. For many, it becomes clear that adoption isn’t just about celebration; it’s also about dealing with emotional scars that can be difficult to navigate. This can lead to frustration, especially when adoptees feel misunderstood. The lack of adoption stories from the adoptee’s point of view leaves many feeling isolated, while the lack of education and understanding from adoptive parents can further complicate their journey. Many adoptees are also frustrated by the portrayal of adoption as a purely selfless act, often driven by a “White savior” mentality that reduces their complex experiences to a simple narrative of charity, overlooking the trauma that is an inherent part of the adoption process.
Parent Resources
As adoptive parents, it is essential to create an environment that fosters open communication about the complexities of adoption, particularly around topics like racism, trauma, and the often-conflicting emotions that adoptees experience. These conversations can be difficult, but they are necessary for helping your teen navigate the challenges of growing up in a transracial or transcultural adoptive family. Acknowledging and validating their feelings of confusion, frustration, or isolation regarding their identity can go a long way in strengthening your relationship and providing the emotional support they need. It’s also crucial that you take the time to educate yourself about the unique challenges adoptees face, from racial discrimination to the emotional scars of early trauma. This knowledge equips you to understand your child’s experiences better and enables you to offer informed, empathetic guidance.
Encouraging cultural exploration is particularly important during adolescence, a time when teens are beginning to solidify their sense of self. For transracial or transcultural adoptees, engaging with their birth culture can be a powerful tool for identity formation, helping them to bridge the gap between their adoptive family culture and their racial or ethnic heritage. It is especially beneficial for teens to connect with other adopted teens who share similar cultural backgrounds, as this provides a sense of community and validation. Summer camps like the Adopteen Camp Conference and monthly Adopteen hangouts (offered through the The Park Adoption Community Center) provide adopted adolescents just that. These interactions allow them to explore their identity in a safe, supportive environment, and they can help foster a sense of pride in their cultural heritage and racial identity.
Additionally, offering access to therapy is essential for supporting your teen’s mental and emotional health. Therapy can provide a safe space for them to process trauma, work through identity conflicts, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with bullying or discrimination. By providing these resources and opportunities, you empower your teen to embrace their adoption story and navigate their identity with confidence, resilience, and self-assurance.
